" It ’s important that we do n’t go around the healing part and just essay to pile on delight . "
Warning : This post has mentions of sexual violation and sexual psychic trauma .
Experiencing some sort of sexual trauma — at any age — is a terrifying and traumatizing experience that has lasting effects on people. According tostudies, 45% of women and 65% of men who experienced sexual trauma have PTSD, which often affects who they trust and feel safe with.
During a recent Reddit scroll, I came across a Redditor’sstoryin ther/relationshipadvicesubreddit, explaining how they don’t enjoy sex with their spouse. The OP shared how they did experience sexual trauma in their past, and that plays a large part in them not enjoying their sex life.
“I think the first thing to acknowledge is that people who have lived with and survived sexual trauma are not a monolith. So it’s not going to be the same for everybody, but for people for whom it does affect their relationships, it can manifest in a variety of ways,” Cyndi told BuzzFeed.
In the OP’s story, they explained that they felt the need to be intoxicated to enjoy sex with their spouse, which in turn led to a drinking problem.
According to Cyndi, it’s not uncommon for people who’ve experienced sexual trauma to cope in that way. “It may be difficult to experience pleasure for other people; it may lead to compulsive behavior. It may lead to people engaging in sex in ways that they don’t necessarily want, but they feel compelled to do it for whatever reason. Perhaps with people who are not great for them, or activities that they think they probably shouldn’t be doing because there’s an element, perhaps, of dishonesty attached to it,” Cyndi explained.
For people who thought they healed from their sexual trauma but are, in fact, still struggling, Cyndi suggests they “go back into some kind of therapy, whether it is traditional talk therapy or somatic therapy, which is not necessarily traditional, but it’s very effective for this kind of work, and learn how to process what happened to you.”
Lastly, Cyndi suggests how someone can open up to their partner about their experience. “Hopefully, you have a partner who has empathy and compassion, and if you have established that they do, it would be about choosing a time when you’re not in the middle of sex when you’re not doing anything else. You can say something to the effect of, ‘There’s something I would like to share with you. It’s a really big deal for me, and it’s hard for me to talk about. Would you be open to hearing about some of my history and my experience around sex and why I struggle with it sometimes?'” Cyndi explained.
“This is a different kind of work. It’s important that we don’t bypass the healing part and just try to stack on pleasure feelings without having done some adequate emotional processing. Allow yourself the time and the grace for however long it takes, but know that it’s completely worth it. You are not alone, and none of this was your fault,” Cyndi said.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call theNational Sexual Assault Hotlineat 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE), which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local centerhere.
