" The psychological effect of having ended human life still haunt me 20 years afterward . "
Few things are more nightmarish than the thought of taking another person’s life. For theQuorausers below, though, it’s not a nightmare…it’s a reality. Whether they killed by accident, during a war, or even by choice, the fallout was intense and full of profound, long-term psychological repercussions. Read on to hear their stories and how taking a life affected their lives:
1.“This is probably the most personal question I could ever answer. To say my answer is complex and that I am going to have difficulties expressing exactly how I have felt and still feel about murdering someone is an understatement. I guess the beginning would be the best place to start. When I took another man’s life, I was just 19. Looking back now, I can honestly say I felt immense peer pressure to go through with the murder. I felt like I would be seen as a weak punk if I let another man get over on me. I was a drug dealer, and I felt I had a reputation to uphold. I can see all this now, but I could see none of it at the time. I realize now I was in a very bad place in life. I had a serious drug addiction and felt worthless and unworthy of love, so in return, I placed little value on my life or on the life of anyone else. These feelings made me feel powerless, and I lashed out.”
" My lashing out monetary value another human his life . I am ashamed to include it , but at the time , I feel a with child weight unit was lift off my shoulder when I pulled the trigger . I felt like I had lastly stood up for myself . I was completely irrational . I realize now it is like my friendDavid Monroealways state , ' bruise mass , hurt people . ' I was really hurting , and I did n’t know how to ask for help .
I continued to justify my actions for a long clip , but somewhere deep inside , I ’ve always known that there was never any Department of Justice in make someone ’s life . Admitting to myself I was feeling frightened , lone , worthless of making love and regard was just too hard . Also , by admitting these feelings , I would have to take over what I did and how I affect the cosmos . This was hard for me , but I am lastly there over fifteen years by and by .
Now I feel sadness over hit someone . I palpate I have robbed my victim ’s family of the most precious thing in life . I feel immense regret for this . I feel I have hook my household of truly ever knowing me . I feel like I have created fear in my biotic community . I finger that I have done the earth a great ill turn and that I owe a debt that I can never amply repay . I am full of guilt and disgrace over my activeness . I never need anyone else to sense the way I do . "
— Tommy W. , Quora
( All communications between inmates and external canal are help by approved volunteers since inmate do not have memory access to the net . This program with Quora is part of The Last Mile San Quentin . )
2.“It’s been two years and four months. Every day that goes by is very ‘one foot in front of another.’ I’ll make a long story short. It was a freak accident — a horrific freeway accident. No drinking or drugs, speeding, texting or calling, reckless driving, etc. The highway patrol officer who read through the reports told me, ‘You would have had to be a ninja to avoid it; you are not at fault.’ Relief, right? WRONG. I have survivor’s guilt, sadness for their family, sadness for them. I feel guilty that I facilitated their transition and angry that I didn’t do things differently. I’ve wanted to end it all because I know I don’t deserve to live more than them.”
" The list goes on . It ’s hard to ram because I get flashbacks , panic attacks … shaking , scream , nightmare of that dark . They did n’t deserve this . Their family does n’t merit this . They were both beautiful people with potential , honey , household , and life … and then it was over . And I did it .
I have hail to see how different forms of guilt employment , and I have become accustomed to the straining I visit on myself mentally . I deserve at least that . I will never in full forgive myself and never get over it . I think of them often . Sometimes , I watch their videos . I include them when I pray and reflect , and I ask them to forgive me . I pray for their families to discover heal one twenty-four hours . They were heroes . They were beautiful people . "
— Jasmine H. , Quora
3.“The psychological effects of having ended human life still haunt me 20 years later. I feel compelled to try and correct the things I have done even though my actions were a normal part of war. The initial feeling was exhilaration and a sense of invincibility for me. Guilt and remorse started to creep in slowly over time and became more dramatic once I had children. As I grew older, I became more aware of the value of human life. The dreams seldom trouble me. It’s during moments of quiet reflection that their faces sometimes appear. I wonder what would have become of their lives had I not ended them.”
— Anonymous , Quora
4.“I am a Vietnam vet, and as some of you know, we were not looked upon kindly by our contemporaries. For that reason I have been reluctant to share this aspect of my experience. I walked point for most of my tour, so it was natural that I would make first contact when on patrol in narrow vegetation. The first time I killed someone was in an eye-to-eye encounter. I had just turned a curve on a trail. The other guy was wearing classic North Vietnamese Army gear with an AK47 at a semi-relaxed position. Even though I had trained and thought about this happening, it was nonetheless shocking, and the adrenaline surge was huge. His eyes opened very wide, and time seemed to slow down. He was just as surprised as I was. Reflexes took over, and I beat him to the draw.”
" There was utterly no sentiment involved in shooting ; it was simply conditioned reflexes . Though I became familiar with the adrenaline aspect , it was not something that I would care to become addicted to . As time went on and buddies were toss off by the enemy , my position became more aggressive .
Later I did dwell on some of the actual hoi polloi . Sometimes , we would check the eubstance for info and come across picture of their family . That was a little tough for me . But I would wish to be clear that it is vote down or be killed in that situation . "
— Roger S. , Quora
5.“The first thing I did was run like I’ve never run before or since. My lungs burned. My legs felt weak. When I stopped, I puked. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I saw the blade go into one side of his neck and out the other. I was jumped by three gang members, and it just happened so fast. About three years later was the first time I saw him…barely. Just a quick glimpse, and then he was gone. Now, about twenty years later, I see him all the time. I think he’s waiting for me to die. I think the traumatic experience was too much. The guilt is heavy. It’s like a building sits on top of me. It’s like I killed myself that day.”
6.“I have killed a man.I wanted to pick up a few things from Walmart, so I headed there around 8 p.m. Little did I know this would be the biggest mistake of my twenty-two years of living. I arrived at Walmart safely, picked up a few other silly items (home decor, cleaning supplies, etc.), and headed home. My drive went smoothly until I was a block away from home. It was around 9:45 p.m., and I was literally just thinking, ‘I almost made it home.’ I was traveling around 35–45 mph. The street lights are very dim on this road, and you can barely see what’s in front of you at night. I saw a red car parked on the opposite side of the road, but since this road is very scenic (during the day), I didn’t think much of it. That is when I heard the horrifying thud —bdunk bdunk bdunk— and I slammed on my breaks. As soon as I opened the door, I heard the blood-curdling screams.”
" A man incline towards my SUV , call me a squawk , and informed me that I just kill his dad . His brother follow , and I immediately started scream . I still could n’t see his Father-God . I ran to the red car , and his two Logos bosom me and told me , ' Ma’am , you did n’t do anything incorrect . There was a home fracas , and he wanted to die . We visit an ambulance for him to get him some help . ' I am still screaming . I amount upon his physical structure , sitting in a puddle of stemma . Within second , a policeman pulls up . He immediately set out rendering aid . Minutes later , an ambulance arrives . I am still in shock . They started CPR before putting his just active body in the ambulance . He was living - flight to a local hospital .
It turn out that he was lying in my lane — facedown — wearing a black sweatshirt against black pavement .
He say his ex - married woman , who was at the scenery , that he wanted to kill himself because she did not want him back . I wonder why the x - wife would n’t put her car in front of his trunk . I wonder why the two sons could n’t seem to move him from my lane . I wonder why it had to have been me .
The man was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital . I ’m twenty - two geezerhood old . What could I have done that was so haywire that I deserve to live with this for the rest of my life ? I will never kibosh replay the horrifying audio of race the humankind ’s trunk over , the roue - curdle scream , and the double of the man lie down in a pool of his own blood .
I do n’t get it on if I will ever be able to subsist with myself . "
7.“It was four people, and I will never forgive myself as long as I live. I was driving. My husband and three children were in the car. I was completely sober, maybe a little tired from work, but it was a mechanical problem. We didn’t hit another car or any other people. I was injured, but not badly. My husband, aged 30, and my children (8, 6 and 4) died. It has been decades since then. I never drove again.”
8.“I am going to tell this in the hopes that others may think twice before killing someone. There was a deep sadness afterward, not only at the realization of going to prison but also at the fact that I took another life. It didn’t matter that this man was abusing my 14-year-old little brother. I took the life of someone who was a son, a brother, and a friend to someone. In prison, when someone heard my story, they’d often say, ‘Good job! Another POS off the streets.’ But I did not feel the enthusiasm that they displayed. Oh, I would pretend I did, but inside, I was hurting.”
" parent , I pray you . Please , if your child comes to you about tike abuse to them or their sibling , heed . Please mind . My God , I ’m gloomy . "
— Vernie S. , Quora
9.“Today marks 16 years since I took the life of another human being. This act has been my greatest motivation in life, especially since realizing the impact my actions still have on my victim’s family, as well as society. I know now that murder does not stop with the perpetrator and the victim. I killed my victim during the middle of the holiday season. I think about when his family comes together to enjoy the holidays, how they can’t help but realize their loved one is missing.”
" I call back about the young men in the community where I select my dupe ’s life and how hearing of my legal action made murder an choice for engagement resolution . I believe of my son growing up in the same community where I committed this heinous crime . It is tough enough endeavor to become a man without your identity being attach to someone who took another human being ’s life . So , I would say I feel an extreme sense of debt and responsibility to my victim , his family , and society as a whole . I know that no matter what I fulfill with the rest of my life , I will never accomplish bring the biography I took back . My end is to honor his memory by produce plus changes in my life-time and prepare others on being their unquestionable selves . I was disconnected from my tone before I commit the crime that brought me to prison . The only emotion I felt prosperous expressing was anger , which I used to obliterate what I really felt . I overreacted to a lot of situation out of fearfulness . veneration was something I believed no real man feel . Now , I realize that overreact to situations only prove my fear of being me . Today , I am able-bodied to express my true feelings in any setting . This has become a great talent because allowing myself to be unresolved and honest has allowed others to do the same with me . I am comfortable with all the emotions that most men run from or cover - up . This has earmark me to connect with people on a level I never thought potential . There was a time when I was n’t so comfortable with all these new emotions . I had become so sensible to others ' pain in the neck that I would get emotional from learn touching moment in movie . I shared this with a unspoiled protagonist , and he said it was because I had finally catch in tactile sensation with my humanity . I never want to commit another sept through what I have send my victim ’s family through , as well as my own . I move through aliveness conscious of my purpose in prove all the panorama of being a man . Being a man is being human and experiencing all the emotion that come with it . Sometimes , specialty is doing the opposite of most . May you be strong enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable . "
— James H. , Quora
( Entries have been edited for distance and/or pellucidity . )
Dial 988 in the US to reach theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline . Other international suicide helplines can be found atbefrienders.org . The Trevor Project , which supply help and self-annihilation - prevention imagination for LGBTQ youth , is 1 - 866 - 488 - 7386 .
TheNational Alliance on Mental Illnesshelpline is 1 - 800 - 950 - 6264 ( NAMI ) and provides information and referral services;GoodTherapy.orgis an affiliation of genial health professionals from more than 25 state who support feat to reduce impairment in therapy .
