" People who say , ' Once a cheater , always a cheater , ' do n’t translate that lifetime is more complicated than that . "
Can a marriage survive infidelity? To find out, we gathered responses from people onQuorawhotook back their cheating spousesand tried to save their marriage. Read on to see how things worked out:
1.“I’m in my second year with my wife who cheated. We had couples therapy, and she promised never to do it again (mmmm). I can honestly say that although she is trying and things are good, there are several BUTS… I have minimal to zero trust in her now and don’t think I ever will. The sex just isn’t the same anymore; that spark has gone, and I’m not as bothered to have regular sex as before. I love and care for her, but I’m not in love with her as I was before the betrayal. Lies, betrayal, and cheating tend to have this effect on people.”
— JayJay , Quora
2.“I had a husband who cheated. He redeemed himself in every way, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind. A couple of years later, when he came home from a business trip, I felt something was amiss. Then, my doctor called to remind me to come in for my yearly checkup. Really? I had just been there four months previously! Long story short, my husband had gonorrhea, passed it on to me, and had my doctor call me in with some kind of pretense so I would not find out. Needless to say, I divorced him. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
— Karin L.W. , Quora
3.“I’ve handled infidelity in my marriage, and instead of divorcing, I decided to forgive, learn, and rebuild my marriage. I didn’t do it for the kids. I didn’t do it for her. I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to work things out. I hated every fiber of what she did. I love my wife. I’ve never not loved her; I just hated what she did. I say hated and not hate because it isn’t something I think about. I share my experiences here, but these are not my daily thoughts. I’m thinking about our next vacation, not something that happened 15 years ago. We were different people 15 years ago. We have grown since then.”
" I portion out this because , yes , your family relationship can end if you want it to . Or you could attempt to relieve your relationship if you ’re indeed with the person you love . Whatever you decide will change you always . "
— Blake R. , Quora
4.“My boyfriend has changed in so many ways since he cheated. He keeps his phone unlocked at all times. He is thoughtful and considerate. He looks out for me, and I can’t deny that he loves and treats me well. That said, the trust is gone. And although it is being rebuilt, there are so many triggers, and my threat perception is always present. Whereas before I felt this ease and security, it is now replaced with these creeping suspicions that it will happen again. I still get this intense well of anxiety and pain when I know he is talking to a woman he is working with. I am fearful of every woman.”
" I ’m a very attractive and high - position char ( not chesty , just accurate ) , and he cheated on me with this really unattractive , low - life , trashy woman . I do n’t mean to be pitiless , but she really has nothing going for her . I say that because now I have no clew who a ' terror ' is . I see literally every woman as a scourge . I fear that he in secret has a thing with another fair sex or is plotting his next girl in line .
Also , our sex has never recuperate . Not to get too personal , but we were in the kink residential district and did a lot of BDSM . A lot of extremum . We used to have sex for three to four hour a solar day . And now we ’re very toned down . Since the trust is n’t there , it ’s dissimilar . It ’s not as fun because , in my head , I will once in a while think about what the sex with ' her ' was like . If he say and did the same things .
last , and most sorely , my self-confidence has not returned . I know that objectively I ’m a ' 10 , ' according to many . I ’m an awe-inspiring girlfriend ; I ’m educated , compassionate , and successful . But I still feel inadequate , like a second choice . My self - esteem has taken such a hit because I ’ll often judge myself for catch back with someone who disrespected me for so long and abandoned the home I created for us so he could quest after something with a toad . And even though he cover me well now , the equipment casualty and intense distress I endured for six month relieve oneself me interview both my saneness and my taste . "
— Anonymous , Quora
5.“I cheated on my husband. He stayed with me, but 10 years later, I know he still hasn’t forgiven me. I was in a very dark place when I did that, and no, it wasn’t an affair. It was just sexual, but it lowered my value in my husband’s eyes. It’s easier for a man to come back from cheating than a woman. I’m not the same woman I was then, that’s for sure. But it still causes bitterness between us. My answer is yes, you can forgive. Forgetting is the problem. Couples have come back from it, but very few.”
— Avi J. , Quora
6.“My wife cheated on me. When I found out, it was like my entire life was lopsided and upside down. I was sick, angry, hostile, so deeply hurt. I felt dizzy, everything felt unreal. I decided to try to make it work. It was super rough. I tried to forgive her, but all of her lies and deceit throughout the years were intruding into my brain. I had to know everything. I would yell at her on trips and tell her how awful she was and ruin the trip. I left her and then got back together with her about 20 times. Every time I thought I could forgive, something would trigger me, and I would rage. I would find the smallest things to be mean about: ‘I’m hungry for a pizza. Did you guys have pizza after you had sex? I bet you did, you slut! I bet you guys were real hungry after a marathon!'”
" She would exclaim . I would tell her she deserves worse . Then , I would go away wild and come back palpate sorry , sad , and confused . I would ask for denotative point and then get super pissed off and call her a sporting lady .
It all came to a school principal when I told her the only path I could ever forgive her was if she get my pain . I told her that I was move to cheat on her to show her how it experience . She begged me not to . I enjoy in her pain , and I did it anyway .
Then I run home and told her everything we did . I watch her watchword in horror . At first , it felt good , then I asked myself , what the hell am I doing?I’m becoming just like her . I ’m fearsome . What a shitty matter to do to someone .
We were finally understanding how it all blew up . Somehow , over a few months , anger , lies , and bitterness turn over into forgiveness . Somehow , we learned from it all and became better people . We block lying and deceiving each other . We make a safe environment to say anything , even things that sting and anguish .
We no longer had a Disneyland idea of what a spousal relationship was presuppose to be . We now did n’t take each other for granted but took upkeep of one another . We unlocked our phones and shared them . We give each other our passwords and secret emails . We verbalize about private affair that we keep from each other for over a X . We admitted wrongs .
It has been over 10 old age since then , and she is now my best friend , and we are so well-chosen .
People who say , ' Once a cheater , always a cheater , ' do n’t understand that life is more complicated than that . They choose bitterness over pardon . I ’m here to say that pardon is possible , but you have to be willing to put in a lot of employment , have patience , and be willing to forgive . "
— Jason M. , Quora
7.“I had a wife who cheated. She wanted to go to counseling. The relationship was okay afterward, but never the same. She cheated again. She married the guy she cheated with and jumped headfirst into the church. Her sister told me she wasn’t happy but would never get divorced again. They’ve been together for about 40 years.”
" Once , she showed up at my door , wanting to talk . I tell her we could make an fitting to fit at Denny ’s and not to show up at my house again . She start crying , and I end the doorway . Later , she took responsibleness for her natural process , and we both moved on . "
— Thomas A.D. , Quora
8.“When I was young, I caught my husband with the neighbor from downstairs. I was 22, madly in love, and believed marriage was a sacrament. My pastor told me it was my duty to forgive him and change myself so that ‘he won’t need to cheat.’ My counselor told me that marriage is a commitment and that it was my duty to figure out what I wasn’t providing him to meet his needs so he wouldn’t ‘need to cheat.’ My mother told me I had made my bed, so now I needed to lie in it. ‘Men cheat,’ she told me. My father told me that cheating ‘isn’t a big deal,’ and that ‘a man has needs.’ (Yes, I asked for advice from the man who comes from a long line of cheaters and the woman who put up with it.)”
" I worked on myself and try valiantly to rebuild the corporate trust that * he * broke . He continued to cheat . We moved a thousand miles away from the affair mate so he could take his pipe dream chore . I get a new curate and a new pleader . The counselor-at-law asked me what I was start out of my marriage , and I did n’t understand the question . * I * was theorise to GET something out of marriage ?
When I was last able to respond the question , I realize I wanted loyalty , trust , and commitment , and my married man had no pastime in any of those thing . It ’s impossible to build up a married couple single - handedly , but it ’s very potential to put down one all by oneself . I was divorced at 25 . I will never again tolerate cheating . "
— Ruby V.,Quora
9.“After my wife cheated, one of the marriage counselors we attended told us to forget about our marriage. That marriage was over. The question she posed was, ‘Do you both want to create a new marriage?’ I believe there was incredible wisdom in this statement. In the end, I asked for a divorce because I could no longer look at her.”
" I absolutely encourage you to seek counseling now . Do n’t put it off . It engage time to recuperate . Recovery is easier if you have someone to speak to . I ’d also advise that you resist the temptation of poor lifespan choice . I felt like trash after we separated due to the thing that were done and said . I got into rebound relationships , sexual practice , and alcohol . I probably hurt some multitude that did n’t deserve it . Do n’t do this ! I lost friends , mob , religion , and many other important things in the divorcement . It left a void in my life . I test to fill the void with women , sex , alcoholic beverage , clothes , and cars . None of these things did the trick . I finally became disgusted with myself for what I was doing .
Get direction , make friends , attend supporting group , and see worthwhile thing to bring into your aliveness . "
10.“I believe once you break the spiritual bond (sex), you are no longer spiritually married to that person because two flesh become one. Just the way I was raised. It’s in the Bible. My ex chose to break our bond. He did not tell me until after we reconciled five years ago. I thought I could forgive, but I suspect more was happening. Oh well. I’m glad that’s over. It was so abusive, with women texting me crazy stuff and messages on Facebook from women. So yeah, cheating has consequences years down the line. I lost baby pictures of my kids because I was tired of being harassed on Facebook and had to delete my profile and start multiple profiles to make it harder on these people.”
— Gwenwyvere , Quora
11.“I’ve stayed after cheating. I stayed long enough to save money and start a new life elsewhere. Then, after I got myself together, I left him one day. An undisciplined man doesn’t deserve my time or to be in my life.”
— Hannah B. , Quora
12.“I stayed for a while (a bit less than a year), working on the dynamic in dual counseling to make sure I could look my kids in the eyes with a clear conscience when they grow up knowing that I did every last thing I could to fix whatever was wrong in our relationship. It wasn’t worth it. If I had it to do over, I’d never subject my heart and head to the utter nonsense that follows cheating. It was too much.”
" That extra time I stayed left me with more scars than necessary ; several still have n’t fully cure , and it ’s five days later . The cheating was tough enough to stomach , but his news trying to offload inculpation , justify himself , reduce me , and drag me down to his tier brutalise my read/write head and heart .
It was a two - 10 married couple , and he had a midlife crisis . There was an out - of - the - blue motorcycle leverage with kids still in railroad car ass , a supplication for me to smatter in hallucinogenics with him ( drugs were head - scratching enough give our squeaky clean chronicle , but with baby around finally ? No mode . ) , strange music pick , an arrogant and furious mental attitude which left me walking on eggshells , and his trying to make the case for an receptive marriage after I found evidence of the liaison . All of this was from a real straight arrow and staunch lifelong abstainer .
I would ’ve been impertinent to walk aside like a shot and not let the ‘ keep start the wedding ’ counselling games begin . I ’m a deep truster in counseling , and still , I would n’t ever abuse myself by allowing myself to go through that knightly dungeon again .
I learn when he begin reveal himself — there were thing he ’d repress so deeply he did n’t even hump who he was over the old age . He was who he thought he ‘ should ’ be . It was sorry and contemptuous because I ’m open - apt , so his lack of trust was waste . I ’d always had his back and thought he had mine . It did n’t have to terminate the elbow room it did . But it ’s like he imploded , and I was taken down by detritus or something . I ca n’t believe I came through it intact , call back about it all sometimes . His begging me not to leave him , the tenacious , drawn - out tug and pull of that messed me up sound , too .
What a waste of about five prime eld religiously trying to voyage it all ‘ for the kids . ’ Never again . Ever .
Cheating is a revealer , not of the spouse , but of the damage in the individual cheating . It ’s also a spotlight , shining a light on deficiency , poor coping skills , and deficient communication science in the somebody cheating — not the spouse . "
