" We work out more than old generations of mothers , and we expend more time raise our nipper . We are at capacity all the sentence , even with the trappings of professional flexibility . "
I was settling in for an interview over Zoom when I glanced at my baby monitoring machine and visualise it : the evident squirm of a toddler who ’d pooped himself awake from a nap . I sighed and set the monitor aside . I had no option but to hold back till after the call to check on him .
When the Zoom ended , I dash in to clean him up , then texted my protagonist a exposure of the three of us ( my baby , myself and my laptop computer ) . “ Look at me , ” I wrote wryly . “ I have it all . ”
I started think a lot about “ having it all ” after my son was born in late 2021 . I went back to oeuvre after four months of parental leave of absence , breast - pumping my style through sound call and vary diapers on the sly . I loved being cheeseparing to my son and was favourable to have a husband who thrived as a detain - at - home pop , but it was all so completely wearing . For every stolen twelve noon snuggle there was sob ( on both side of the door ) when I had to fill up my optic and tune out my Word ’s battle cry for Mommy as I buckled down to get a project done .
Surely , I often guess to myself , this is n’t what Helen Gurley Brown had in mind when she issue “ take It All , ” her far-famed book of advice on balancing sex , work , relationships and more , in 1982 . I may have a career and a family , but I often “ have it all ” — or , rather , doit all — at the exact same time .
In the summer of 2012 , just a couple of class into my news media career , The Atlantic published Anne - Marie Slaughter ’s cultivation - defining text , “ Why Women Still Ca n’t Have It All . ” In it , she trace stepping back from powerful government work to be close to plate and more available to her two teenage Son , and she outlined the work change she insure as necessary to allow challenging women to quest after bounteous careers and continue present mothers .
I read it hungrily , find self-satisfied about my own ambivalence toward maternity . At 25 , I was climb the career ravel fast and sleep together it . Why jump the train with a baby when the ride was so exciting ? Plus , I could n’t imagine a world where Slaughter ’s proposed changes — more flexible schedule , remote work , less concern change of location , teleconferencing alternatively of in - person encounter — would materialize . Little did I bed a planetary pandemic would short shift that lunar time period .
A decade later , in a post - COVID world , I had , in many slipway , exactly what Slaughter had describe : an exciting career with a conciliatory , remote job that allowed me to be close to the babe I ’d decided I wanted . But I also had a hefty dose of burnout . For me , it was all too much — the invariable doing it all . And I was lose my dream as a result .
I ’m not the first millennian mom with an billet problem to finger this way . Betweenlazy girl job , thedeath of the girlbossand thecountlessambitiouswomenwho’vewritten aboutlosing their driveinrecent years , the collapse of millennial women ’s ambition is well - document . Heck , we now even have themillennial mom midlife crisis .
But it ’s no wonder : Millennial momswork more than previous generation of mothers , andwespend more timeparenting our kids , plus ourparents ca n’t or do n’t want to help us out(or need worry themselves ) . And then there ’s theastronomical costof child maintenance . We are at capacity all the time , even with the trappings of professional flexibility .
I determine to enquire Anne - Marie Slaughter what comes next .
The workplace transition isn’t over yet.
Slaughter recognize that we ’ve made stride toward her envisioned work , but we ’re not there yet .
“ We ’ve transition thewherewe can mold , and we have the flexibleness — so now , if your kid is unhinged or you have a teacher ’s league or you need to take a parent to a doctor ’s appointment , you have the tractableness to do that , ” she say . But we have n’t reach the place where professional and personal dream can coexist .
away from major structural change we experience are needed to support families — such as 12 month of maternal leave , plentiful and affordable child fear , free pre - kindergarten and well - fund public schools — there is one big affair that needs to alter in the workplace , harmonise to Slaughter : management practices . font time is still the rule tool for performance measure , and that disadvantages anyone working remotely .
“ If you ’re in the office and that other someone is in the part , you are still plump to have a better sentiency that they are working than the person who is not [ in the office staff ] , ” she say . “ I ’ve said for a long time , to really make this body of work , you have to have much more objective and precise direction praxis , and that take more work . I do n’t cogitate we ’re there yet . ”
Indeed , McKinsey ’s Women in the Workforce report from both2022and2023found that women in leaders are leaving their function in record phone number , in part because their labor is n’t being recognize by their Superior . They ’re taking on diversity , equity and inclusion study or head up employee resource radical in addition to their full - time use , for model , but it ’s not being count toward their overall performance , and they ’re working remotely ( often to beguile home responsibleness ) , which is being counted against them .
“ They are looking for the power to advance . They are expect for flexibility and choice in terms of where , when and how they work . They are count for companies that authentically prioritize DE&I. They are looking for people who are backing their calling , ” enounce McKinsey fourth-year married person Lareina Yeein a podcast about the 2022 report . But , quite frankly , she said , “ companies have n’t step up . ”
Beyond changes in carrying out evaluation and direction , Slaughter also advocate for what she name in her Atlantic article as “ investment intervals , ” the idea that you grind severely in certain menstruation of your work life ― early on in your career before you have nipper , for example ― and then make different choice as your vocation displace forward , including tell no to furtherance that wo n’t work for your kinfolk aliveness or take time off from full - time work to confab , take a sabbatical or accept project - based work . Then when your kids are grown , you may lean back in and keep resurrect .
In my view , when it come to frazzled millennial moms , a wholesale chemise in the way we realize and reward professional ambition is due . Forget this melodic theme that move up , down , back or sideways in your calling is a sign that you ’re not commit . Instead , we must think of ambitiousness as a tide — sometimes rolling in , sometimes roll out , always doing its part . Under this title , millennial moms aren’tlosingtheir ambition , they ’re simply move with the lunar time period , and there ’s no understanding to feel ashamed about that . We should n’t be sent back to square one in our careers simply because the lunar time period of our ambition locomote out while our shaver want us most .
Slaughter enjoin that taking a break to have small fry or to work on professional development is n’t the kiss of death that it used to be , but “ there are still plenty of workplaces where , if you get knocked off that straight - up path , it ’s go to be very , very gruelling to get back on . I can see it changing ; it just has n’t changed yet . ”
At her company , New America , Slaughter said she ’s come up that a flexible and supportive culture , which let in hybrid work , pay parental leave and a “ family issue forth first ” mantra , has ensured the work always gets done without sacrifice people ’s personal life story and has also help more junior faculty find chance to rise and be see .
maternal parting , for example , “ make chance for other people , younger hoi polloi , other fellow member of the squad ” to ill-treat in and work with Slaughter and other senior staff who they might not have otherwise crossed paths with instantly . “ It builds resilience in the work . ”
Embrace a holistic view of ambition.
Slaughter sees millennial and Gen Z prole reject the old hustle - culture fashion model and applaud it , but also notes that many of us are n’t trusted where to go from here . “ There ’s a sense that the world that we eff is come up asunder in many ways , and people are not sure what they should be wanting , ” she said . “ But they know that the traditional whatever it was that was going to make you glad is not probable to . ”
That said , she think the idea of striving to be a “ whole , healthy mortal ” is a move in the right direction . “ By whole , I really do intend having unlike dimensions to your life . That could be study and family , that could be fun , Falco subbuteo , friendship . ”
She does n’t even utilize the idiom “ having it all ” anymore .
“ The whole frame makes me uncomfortable , even though that is the musical phrase I grew up with that meant having a life history and a fellowship , ” she said . “ There ’s a hyper - capitalist property to it ” that operate counter to the room most millennials and Gen Zers suppose about their living . It ’s metre we tossed it for beneficial and concenter on building work that support the multidimensional lifetime of all workers .
As for our millennial mom midlife crises and wane aspiration ? Slaughter advises us all to string up in there .
“ It is a life passage that many , many , many people go through . We are maturing into our fuller self who realize that there ’s more to life and there ’s more to ambition . I have plenty of ambitiousness . It ’s just not express in the way that it once was , to mount to the top of a fussy ladder . ”This article originally appear onHuffPost .
