" I believed at the time that I was building strong girls into strong cleaning lady . It feels as though I ’ve done the exact reverse . "
In a post shared tor/AskReddit, site useru/youngGod928asked, “Parents with grown children who no longer speak to you, what do you think led to the estrangement?” Here are some of the most-upvoted answers:
1.“My kids still speak to me, but not much. I’m better than I was, but I was a crap parent. Poverty was part of it. Bad chemical decisions.”
" I got myself cleaned up , make out of debt , and got rid of the guy who was harassing my boy and do like our daughter could do no wrong .
My parents were atrocious , and I really think I was much near . Actually , Iwasmuch well , but I was n’t betterenough . It was hard for me to show love because I never get it myself . There were time I did n’t get a line from my son for year , and frankly , I know I deserved that . I wrote him a foresighted letter , apologised for my fault , and honestly have tried to be better . We have a much better relationship now , and while we are not super close , we have something , and I ’m thankful . "
u / basketma12
2.“My daughter doesn’t talk to me as much anymore. She moved out when she was 22. I suddenly had severe mental health issues for five years (no history of mental illness like that, just your old run-of-the-mill anxiety and depression), and after dealing with the aftermath of a tragedy, I had to be hospitalised. It traumatised her.”
" I sympathise why she pulled away , even if it was for something I could n’t assist , and I do n’t blame her . My last attack was in November , so I hope with clock time we will be capable to be close again . I text her every few days to say her that I love her , and she answer in kind . We text about life a few metre every few months , but we used to bebest friendsbefore the tragedy that upend her lifespan and then mine . It altered the course of our lives . "
u / Hey__Jude _
3.“I was an asshole, a shitty parent, and an alcoholic. My son stood over me during an argument when he was 18 (he was 6'4 and I am 5'6) and scared the sh*t out of me, so I kicked him out. That was 14 years ago and he hasn’t spoken to me since.”
" I have not been capable to apologise , to show him how much I have modify for the better and how unlike I am with his youthful sidekick ( who are also adult now , teen at the time ) . I miss him every single day , however , it ’s his choice and I have to populate with that . Thankfully his brothers and I have a wonderful relationship , it convey a lot of hard workplace and tears , but I am so thankful they are a immense part of my life , along with two grandchildren now . "
u / Exciting_Raspberry79
4.“I was estranged from my adult daughter for quite a while. I know where I f*cked up. I wanted all of the control so she couldn’t make the same bad choices in life that I had. I thought that only I knew what was best and forced my thoughts/opinions into every conversation. I tried to steer her clear of the ‘hard road,’ but she took the exit anyway.”
" I was a entire ' blame me ' mum . I was jealous of her relationship with her deadbeat father and resented them both .
I had to learn to let it go ! This was way beforeFrozenby the way !
We have a pretty well kinship now . We have not run to direction , but we have spontaneous chat about her puerility / vernal maturity . I can see things much clearer now and have done a circumstances of ' dogshit , I did n’t know that , ' and earnest apologies for my honest failings . She ’s a mom now herself who ask me for advice .
I do n’t think she really forgives me for everything , and that ’s okay . There ’s some poppycock I do n’t forgive her for either . We have a cease-fire and sample to put to work through the operose stuff together . Hopefully , we will come out on the other side with a better understanding of each other . "
u / AQUEON
5.“Neglect.”
u / Working_Asparagus_59
6.“My daughter cut me off because of masks, vaccines and politics. My grandkids live 10 miles away and I haven’t seen them in three years.”
atomic number 92 / originalgoatyoga
7.“In my case, the catalyst was January 6th. We had a family group chat and we were exchanging information about what we were watching with our own eyes. My oldest son started chiming in saying it wasn’t that bad and the news was overblowing things. Up to that point, I had no idea how far gone down the conservative hole he had gone. Of course, he waited until after I moved him into a new apartment in the middle of July, cosigned for the apartment and paid the security deposit before he decided to cut contact.”
" He has go no tangency with the entire folk with the exception of a conservative BIL , which we get along with fine . I thought we had designate all of our children how to get along with others even if their opinion differs . I guess that example did n’t sink in . "
u / horseloverfat42
8.“My daughter hasn’t spoken to me much in the last two years. She’ll come to see family (her grandparents' aunts/uncles/cousins) but only replies to anything I say with one or two-word answers. I wish I could say I don’t know why. But I do. Her mom said she feels I put our daughter second after her mother and I divorced. I keep trying to rebuild that bridge. Hopefully in time.”
" The takeaway is this . It does n’t matter how you comprehend thing , it ’s how your baby does . Do n’t ever have them doubt how you feel about them . "
u / G1optimusprime
9.“It’s 100% my fault, or maybe 95%. My high school girlfriend got pregnant while we were in the process of breaking up. There was a real question as to whether or not the baby was mine. She was.”
" I act back to my podunk hometown and tried to be a in force father . My ex - girlfriend was looking for a beau / married man , I was not unforced to do this . She got pregnant two more fourth dimension . I sample to be a father to my daughter , but I felt constantly shut out .
So I left and did not do about enough to keep in contact with my daughter . She did not care me because of my absence seizure , and because of always take heed from her female parent what a opus of sh*t I was . But again , I choose to leave . I was an grownup and she was a shaver . I was immature and did not see any path out .
I email my girl every calendar month or two and she netmail me back every year or so . This nonstarter is the great rue of my life story . "
u / Notfromiowa45
10.“My ex-husband and I were going through a pretty ugly divorce. At the time, our daughter was in her freshman year of high school. She was treated unfairly by both parents. It was an incredibly stressful time for her and I was an emotional disaster. It took me five years of weekly counselling to dig myself out of the emotional hole I was in. During that time, I took responsibility for my behaviour and treatment towards my daughter and apologised with sincerity.”
" I taste to keep the lines of communication open with her and remind her that I hump her and am open to meeting up / speak if she ever feel quick .
Sometimes I hear from her , but most of the time it is silence .
She is an grownup and has her own beliefs , which I respect . She is die into her senior year in college and I could not be prouder of her . She will always be my everything .
I neglect her dearly , but it has been seven years now . I have moved on with my living . I will always agree space for her and have organized religion that someday she will be subject to taking a stone’s throw towards reconciliation . "
u / School_House_Rock
11.“I was gonna say a whole bunch of personal stuff, but I’ll cut it at ‘don’t lie to your children then, perpetuate more transparent lies while trying to reconnect.'”
u / TX - PineyWoods
12.“My mother did her best to provide for our needs but she was cold and distant. No hugs. I hated the way she acted and vowed I would do things differently when/if I had children. Well, I had children. While I did attempt to change my behaviours from what I’d experienced, I slowly added my own ingredients to this soup.”
" basically , I run our household as a military installation . My girls were apace and harshly discipline for even the most minor of offences . The discipline develop into very binary rules . For instance , you are await to get this minimum score on a test at school or you ca n’t go to your booster ’s house on the weekend . You did n’t make that grade , you were not going . If you cried and begged and pleaded , you were still not fit but now I would curtail / remove some other thing you want for not accepting your fate . And so on .
When they did things that were good , I would more or less dissolve this as me not rewarding them for what they should have done anyway .
Basically , they could n’t win .
I believe at the time that I was building strong missy into strong women . It feels as though I ’ve done the exact opposite .
On the rarefied occasions I do get wind from them and the subject of the past tense comes up ( this is very rare ) , I get the ' I do n’t hate you but I do n’t want you in my aliveness ' speech . It ’s merit but that does n’t lessen the sting . "
u / BearSef
13.“I am one of those moms who always felt that providing for my kids, taking them on vacations, and buying them what they needed was enough. I didn’t realise love and nurturing were essential ingredients. Now my daughter is 28 and struggling in some areas. She made me realise (therapy helped) how my actions, and behaviour might make a child feel they are not valued or loved. I am remorseful and regret all my actions but unfortunately cannot undo the damage they caused.”
u / crankyolelady_1967
14.“My son went no-contact with me because he feels that it’s best for his personal growth and his peace of mind not to be around people who behave badly or have negative attitudes or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other, and yes, those things have been true of me. I believe that he and I may have differences in our sense of proportion, but it’s really only his perspective that matters because it’s his happiness at stake.”
" I do n’t require to be the reason that his life feels any more eff up than it already is . It makes me sad in a way that I ca n’t even express . I ca n’t change the past times . I was trying so firmly to change the nowadays . It ’s so fucked up to know that the best affair you could do for the soul you love the good , is to leave them alone . "
u / djinnisequoia
15.“I am/was a terrible parent. I rarely spent any time with my children. I deserve my children going no contact with me.”
u / CorenCorias
16.“I was trying to raise children when I’d never had a good role model for how it’s done properly. I had untreated and misdiagnosed mental illnesses. I was a shit parent. Their childhood was full of trauma and I was at the helm. I thought I was doing pretty well given the circumstances of our lives but I wasn’t at all. I was a baby with a sick brain and no support system trying to raise babies.”
" I believe I did my best but alas sometimes our unspoiled simply is n’t good enough .
I do n’t know how to make damages with my fry , but I screw that the right course of action is to honor their autonomy and their wishes to not interact with me . I just get it on them from far by now . And I can perfectly say they are the most awe-inspiring , tolerant , compassionate , and beautiful hoi polloi I ’ve ever seen . I ’m so proud of all of them . "
u / Wrong - Half
H/T tor/AskRedditandu/youngGod928for having this discussion.
Note : submission have been delete for length and/or clarity .
