Odds are you ’ll still be thinking about these jokes years from now .
Not long ago wecompiledjokes Quora users found so funny that they still think about them today, and then we wrote a couple morepostswhereBuzzFeed Communitymembers shared their own unforgettable jokes. Here are 50 of the best jokes from the series…plus some hilarious new submissions:
1.“The world’s greatest Spanish speaking magician was just about to perform his final act. He shouted ‘Uno! Dos!…’ and disappeared without a tres.”
— jmacxjr
2.“A woman holding her little baby in her arms gets onto a bus. The driver says, ‘Wow, that’s an ugly baby!’ The woman is outraged, but says nothing. As she walks back to an open seat, another passenger sees that she is upset, and asks why. She says, ‘That bus driver was so rude and insulting!’ The passenger says, ‘Why, you just go right back and give the driver a piece of your mind! Here, I’ll hold your monkey.'”
— Mark P. , Quora
3.“A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him, ‘What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?'”
" The guy replies , ' Honesty . I ’m honest with everyone ; I do n’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every exclusive person I run into . '
The interviewer says , ' I do n’t really see how Lunaria annua could be considered a weakness ? In fact , I believe honesty is a great strength ! '
To which the guy replies , ' I do n’t really give a dump what you think . ' ”
— Steven O. , Quora
4.“A man in a bar notices two women having a conversation a couple of seats down. He goes up to them and says, ‘Excuse me but you have such lovely accents. Are you ladies from England?’ One of the women turns to him and condescendingly says, ‘No, Wales.’ The man says, ‘Oh, I apologize. Are you whales from England?'”
5.“A bloke goes to an ice cream van and says, ‘Large cone please’ in a quiet, croaky voice.”
" Vendor says , ‘ Raspberry syrup ? ’
‘ Yes please , ’ replies the chap in the same afflictive sounding voice .
' Crushed nuts ? ’
‘ No , ’ say the bloke , pointing to his throat , ‘ Laryngitis . ’ "
— Salvatore W. , Quora
6.“A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘Hey, I’ll bet you a free beer that you can’t guess what’s in my pocket.’ The bartender accepts and guesses a wallet. The man says, ‘No, it’s a 10-inch pianist.’ He sets the pianist on the table and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender says, ‘Well, that’s pretty cool.’ The guy agreed and said, ‘You give me another beer, and I’ll let the wizard in my other pocket grant you a wish.’ The bartender agreed happily and said, ‘I want a million bucks!’ Just then the bar began to fill with a million ducks. The bartender was very unhappy and began to insult the man. The man said, ‘What, you think I wanted a 10-inch pianist?'”
— messywizard79
7.“A blonde, brunette, and redhead are on the run from police and take cover in a barn. The best hiding spot available is behind large sacks of potatoes. It isn’t long before the police arrive at the farm and enter the barn. As the police look around with their flashlights, the girls stay completely still and silent. A spider crawls across one of their legs, prompting her to kick it off — that made a slight noise. The police approach the sacks of potatoes and listen for another noise. One officer kicks a sack with his boot. The brunette says, ‘Meow.’ Oh, just a cat. He kicks the next sack, and the redhead says, ‘Woof.’ Oh, just a dog. He kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, ‘Sack of potatoes.'”
— Bettysometimes
8.“A man walks into the therapist’s office and says, ‘I think I might be a dog.’ The therapist offers him a seat, and the man responds, ‘Oh I’m not allowed on the furniture.'”
— leslie12345
9.“So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says, ‘Get me some Chapstick, and put it on my bill.’”
— rohasi
10.“A guy dies and, having been far from perfect in life, finds himself in hell. The devil greets him and explains that he’ll have to pick from one of three rooms to spend eternity in. So, the guy looks into the first room and sees anguished people shrieking in horror as they burn in a massive fire. He quickly shuts the door. He moves on to the second room where panicked people are being violently torn to shreds by giant, raging gorillas. The guy quickly shuts that door, too. He then moves on to the third room where people sit in vats of shit up to their waists…but also drink coffee and eat donuts.”
" Hmmmm , the bozo think . Sitting in shit all daytime does n’t sound great , but it certainly beat the unending red region and rage Gorilla gorilla ! Plus , there ’s coffee and donuts !
So he tells the devil he ’ll take room number three . A executive program comes over , helps him into his own vat , and turn over him a cup of chocolate and a sinker .
Not bad!he thinks as he dunk the donut into the coffee . For hell this is not bad at all !
Just then the supervisor blows a whistle and say , " okay , everyone . Break ’s over . Back on your heads ! "
— Mike Spohr , BuzzFeed
11.“A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers. The doctor says, ‘Oh, this is a strange one.’ … The lady says, ‘And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.'”
— loz1986
12.“What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe?”
— thatsjustitthough
13.“A little old lady has a husband whose farting has gotten ridiculous. Especially at night, in bed, it’s gotten way out of hand. Angrily, she tells him he’s gotta do something about it! Or one of these days he’s going to fart his insides out! He ignores her pleas, and every night, the farting gets worse. I’ll show him, she thinks.”
" The next morning she wakes up betimes and creeps to the kitchen . She gets the gizzard and inner turkey persona she was locomote to give to their guy , and instead wordlessly places them on the bed next to her husband .
A little while later , her husband fare into the kitchen , and he looks broken .
' I guess you were correctly after all , Agnes … I farted my catgut out overnight ! '
Agnes feigned purity , ask , ' peradventure it ’s time to sing to the doctor about this ? '
' Nah , ' her hubby replied . ' I ’ll be ok , I just englut them back in . ' "
— zazupitz
14.“A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems. ‘Yes doctor, I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them. In fact, I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you?'”
" The doctor gives her an examination and say to her , ' I can treat this job with an over - the - tabulator medication , a prescription , and a referral . '
' The over - the - counter medication will facilitate your consistence produce less gas , the prescription medicine will aid you recuperate your sentience of smell , and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can assist you to hear better . ' ”
— Chuck D. , Quora
15.“Two sperm swimming around inside a lass. One says, ‘Are we at the egg yet?’ The other replies, ‘Nah mate, we’ve only just passed the tonsils…'”
— mostlyharmless42
16.“A truck driver is starving and stops at a biker bar. He orders a beer and some food. Right after he’s served, a biker gang enters the bar, eager for a fight. One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his hat off. The trucker takes a sip of beer. Another biker swats his food off the table. The trucker takes another sip of beer. So a third biker grabs the beer and pours it over the trucker’s head. The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves. The biker leader says, ‘That trucker sure wasn’t much of a fighter.’ The bartender says, ‘He’s not much of a driver either. He just drove over all your bikes!'”
— aditson
17.“An elephant walked up to a man on a nudist beach and asked, ‘How do you eat with that?'”
— chi_liete
18.“Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.”
" Sure enough , a few days afterwards , she enters the apothecary’s shop , goes up to the young man work the counter , and say , ' Young man , I would care to buy a condom , please . '
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age , and reply , ' Wow . serious for you ! No one has ever asked me for help with that before … um . What size of it do you need ? '
The old charwoman pauses , then replies , ' I need one that will fit a camel . ' ”
— Mario L. , Quora
19.“Doctor: I have good news and bad news.”
" Patient : ' OK , first , what ’s the salutary news ? '
Doctor : ' You have 24 hours to live . '
Patient : ' Oh god , just 24 60 minutes to live , that is respectable news program ? I ca n’t imagine what the bad news is travel to be . '
medico : ' I forgot to phone you yesterday . ' "
— SBZ , Quora
20.“The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.'”
“ ' I ’m a great gambler , and I can bear witness it , ' says Grandpa . ' How about a demonstration ? '
The listener thinks for a moment and says , ' OK . Go ahead . '
Grandpa say , ' I ’ll wager you a thousand clam that I can prick my own eye . '
The auditor thinks a second and order , ' It ’s a stake . '
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it . The auditor ’s jaw drops .
Grandpa tell , ' Now , I ’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye . '
The auditor can recount Grandpa is n’t unsighted , so he takes the wager .
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his just heart . The stunned auditor now realizes he has play and lost three yard , with Grandpa ’s attorney as a witness . He starts to get unquiet .
' Want to go double or nothing ? ' grandad asks . ' I ’ll bet you six thousand dollar that I can suffer on one side of your desk , and pee into that wastebasket on the other side , and never get a drop anywhere in between . '
The auditor , twice burn , is conservative now , but he looks cautiously and decides there ’s no way this old guy could perhaps manage that stunt , so he agree again . Grandpa support beside the desk and unzips his pants , but although he strains mightily , he ca n’t make the stream hit the circular file on the other side , so he somewhat much urinates all over the attender ’s desk .
The auditor leap with joy , realise that he has just turned a major loss into a huge profits . But Grandpa ’s attorney moans and puts his headway in his hands .
'’ Are you hunky-dory ? ' the attender asks .
' Not really , ' says the attorney . ' This morning , when Grandpa differentiate me he ’d been summoned for an audit , he bet me twenty - five thousand dollar sign that he could come in here and make water all over your desk and that you ’d be happy about it . ' "
— Helen E. , Quora
21.“My wife called out to me from the other room: ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest…like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?’ I said, ‘No?!’ She said: ‘…How about now?'”
— Bill W. , Quora
22.“Two guys are walking down the street and come upon a dog licking his balls. One guy says to the other, ‘I wish I could do that.’ The other guy replies, ‘I’d pet him first.’”
— sassyghoul20
23.“What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.”
— jillievanilli
24.“Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France when the border agent asked, ‘Name?’ The German replied, ‘Heinrich Gruber.’ The agent then asked, ‘City of residence?’ The German replied, ‘Frankfurt.’ Finally, the agent asked, ‘Occupation?’ And the German replied, ‘No, just visiting.'”
— Norm K. , Quora
25.“A man goes to the zoo, but there’s only one animal there. The animal is a dog. It’s a Shih Tzu.”
— sewskilled
26.Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, ‘You know, I’ve never come this way before.’ The other nun replies, ‘Must be the cobblestones.'”
— David H. , Quora
27.“A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other. He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on.”
" So he orders seven beers and drinks them , six beer and fuddle them , five beer and pledge them , and then last four beers . After drink these last four beer , he says to the mixologist :
' I do n’t understand this . The less beers I booze , the more drunk I get . ' ”
— Thomas C. , Quora
28.“Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.”
" The older babe say , ' I ’m going to take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pickup truck . When I get there , if I decide to buy a bull , I ’ll touch you to take the pickup hand truck and poke and haul it home . '
The old babe arrives at the stockyard , audit a Samson , and resolve she need to grease one’s palms it . The man tells her that he will deal it for $ 599 , no less . After paying him , she makes her path to the close town to send her sister a telegram say her the news .
She walk into the telegraphy office and says , ' I require to mail a telegram to my sister , telling her that I ’ve bought a bull for our spread . I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup motortruck and drive out here so we can haul it home . '
The telegraph operator said he ’ll be glad to aid her , then summate , ' It ’s 99 cents a Logos . ' Well , after paying for the bull , she only had one dollar , enough to send one word .
After a few second of thinking , she nod and say , ' I need you to send her this word : well-off . '
The manipulator shakes his chief . ' How is she ever plump to know that you want her to gimp the preview to the pickup hand truck and ram out here to haul that bull back to your cattle ranch if you direct her just the Holy Scripture " comfortable " ? '
She explicate , ' This is a large word for my sister . So she ’ll read it very slowly … sounding it out as com - for - district attorney - cop . ' "
— Michael P. , Quora
29.“Guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender to set ’em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, ‘I ain’t got no money.’ The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.”
" Next night , the same bozo walk in and recount the bartender to set up look-alike for the house and says to the barman , ' Just to show I ai n’t got no laborious feeling about last night , pour yourself a double , too . ' The bartender present the guy wire with the bank bill .
The guy wire says , ' I told you last night , I ai n’t got no money ! '
' Why you dirty SOB , ' the bartender holler as he once again put away the hombre into the street .
Next night , the guy ’s back . ' Set up triple for the house , ' he says , ' but , no , no , not for you . '
' Why not me ? ' asks the mixologist .
' Because , you get meanspirited when you salute ! ! ' ”
— David W. , Quora
30.“One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment, and rents out a cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.”
" He opens the door to see this vast lumberjack with a jumbo byssus shuffling from foot to animal foot nervously . Eventually , the big military man address :
' I ’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a geographical mile down the road . Anyhow , I ’m take a political party on Saturday , and I wondered if you ’d wish to come . '
The guy pause for a 2d and then respond : ' You experience what , that would be expectant . It is about meter I got out , and it would be nice to satisfy some new citizenry . I ’d have intercourse to come . '
' Right , ' says the lumberjack , appear a short eased . ' I ’ll see you about 8 o’clock on Saturday then . ' And then he turns to leave .
But he pauses for a second and then turns back : ' I should probably discourage you , there is gon na be some middling heavy drinking . '
' Well , I ’m certain that ’s OK . I used to fuddle quite a fleck myself back in the urban center , so I guess I ’ll be alright with a bit of difficult liquor . '
' Right then , ' says the big valet . ' Well , 8 o’clock then . '
But as he plough to go , he pause again and turn back . ' Yeah , I should also cite : Most likely there will also be a minute of fighting before the eve finishes . '
' Uh , well , OK , ' the guy rope reply . ' I intend , I get on fairly well with most people so I do n’t see that being a trouble . But if it have rough , then I am sure I can take care of myself . '
' Right then , ' says the big man . ' See you at 8 o’clock then . '
But once again , he intermit and twist back , come up his face fungus . ' So I likely also need to tell you : There might be some middling wild sex . '
The guy perks up a morsel at that . ' Well , you know , we are all consenting adult . And after all this prison term out here alone , I do n’t think I ’d have any job with some cozy company if that ’s what happen . '
' OK then , ' say the humans . ' Well , see you Saturday . ' And with that he turns and starts to saunter away .
' Oh wait , just one doubtfulness , ' enounce the bozo . ' What should I wear ? '
The lumberjack pauses to think , and scratches his beard again . ' I do n’t suppose it really matters much . It ’s just gon na be you and me . ' "
— Colin R. , Quora
31.“My parrot recently died. Its last words were, ‘Fuck, I think my parrot’s about to die.'”
— indy1989
32.“A man tells his doctor, ‘Help me doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter!’ The doctor responds, ‘Sorry, I don’t follow you…'”
— xy8lu
33.“Three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park. A completely naked man runs past them. Two of them had a stroke. One wasn’t fast enough.”
34.“A guy goes to confession and says, ‘Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing, and I used the ‘F’ word. The priest says, ‘Tell me about it, my son.'”
" The man suppose , ' I was on the first tee , and I shanked a shot wide left-hand . ' The priest says , ' Oh , you must have said it then . ' The world said , ' No , because the ball went into the woods , bump off a tree diagram , and bounced back in good order in the middle of the fairway . '
The non-Christian priest says , ' And then what happened ? ' The gentleman’s gentleman says , ' I strike my 2nd jibe , and the Lucille Ball go wide right . ' The priest says , ' So that ’s when you say it ? ' The man aver ' No , because my crack hit the ball washer machine on the next yap , popped up , and injure up right on in the low rough . '
So the priest says , ' Oh , so that ’s when you said it , then . ' He said , ' No , because I study my wedge and hit it , and it hurt up on the green , about six inch from the cup . '
There ’s silence for a while , and then the priest suppose , ' Do n’t tell me you miss that fucking putting … ' "
— Kurt B. , Quora
35.“A man goes up to Professor X and says he’d like to join the X-Men. ‘Sure,’ Professor X says. ‘What’s your ability?’ ‘I have perfect hindsight,’ the man says. Professor X frowns. ‘I really don’t think that’s going to help us much.’ ‘Yeah,’ the man replies, ‘I can see that now.'”
— kmskoby
36.“What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!”
— Lindsey Jackson Keele , Facebook
37.“What do you call a guy laying by the door? Matt. What do you call a guy hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call a guy floating in a pool? Bob. And my favorite: What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff!”
— crookedflowers
38.“An older retired couple that had been married for 50 years was struggling to keep up the romance in their marriage after their looks had faded with their hair turning gray, their skin sagging, and their bodies becoming more tired. One day, they figured out a way to keep their love alive and well: They had a nightly ritual to eat dinner together completely naked.”
" One day , the wife told her husband , ' This is really working because my pap are so red-hot for you ! ' The hubby replied , ' I can see that , sweetheart ! ' The married woman asked how he could see that , and the husband respond , ' Well , one of your nipples is in your teatime , and the other is in your soup ! ' ”
— bcheese
39.“My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeean.”
— flightforvanity
40.“A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, ‘I think I’m a typo.'”
41.“Has your doctor talked to you about the benefits of adding dried fruit to your diet? I’m just raisin awareness.”
— goldenlion71
42.“As a natural blonde, into my 40s, I LOVE collecting blonde jokes. My favorite: Two blondes walk into a bar, super happy and excited. They order their drinks, and the bartender overhears them a few times saying ‘Two weeks!’ while clinking their glasses or high-fiving in celebration. Intrigued, he asks, ‘So what are you two ladies celebrating this evening?’ and one explains, ‘Well, we got this puzzle and on the box it said “6 months–1 year”’ … The other finishes her sentence, ‘And we finished it together in ONLY TWO WEEKS!'”
43.“A magician was walking down the street and turned into a drug store.”
44.“A man walks into a pub in London and places his hat down on the empty seat next to him. Before he even has time to order a beer, a dog belonging to another man sitting next to him promptly eats the hat.”
“ ' relieve me , ' says the now hatless human being , ' your andiron just ate my hat ! '
The owner of the dog impolitely replies : ' Yeah , so what ? '
Quite offended , the hatless man step up off his chair and loudly proclaims : ' Look here , I do n’t like your attitude ! '
To which the proprietor of the dog shouts back : ' position ? mental attitude ? ! ! It was your bloody ‘ at ‘ e chewed ! ' ”
— marcelswhalemask
45.“What’s round on the ends and high in the middle? Ohio.”
— cmjd77
46.“A man goes to the hospital and says, ‘Doctor, doctor! I have the worst symptoms. I’ve had “What’s New Pussycat?” stuck in my head for weeks!’ The doctor says, ‘It sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome.’ The man asks, ‘Is that common?’ And the doctor replies, ‘It’s not unusual.'”
— thebiggestsparrow
47.“Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other, ‘Wow, it’s hot in here!’ The other muffin says, ‘Hey, a talking muffin!'”
48.“So the family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.”
— jbdnco
49.“A dog wanders into the jungle. A lion spots him but has never seen a dog before. But the lion wants to know what this new creature tastes like, so he charges at the dog. The dog panics but then sees some lion bones next to him. So the dog loudly says, ‘That was one delicious lion!’ The lion quickly stops. ‘Damn, this creature is a bigger threat than I thought!’ But a monkey high in the trees saw everything and, wanting to curry some favor with the king of the jungle, tells the lion what he saw. The lion is outraged and starts to charge the dog again. But the dog saw the monkey talking to the lion and figured out what happened. So the dog loudly asks, ‘Where the hell is that monkey with the second lion he promised me?'”
50.“This one requires a bit of setup, but I promise it’s worth it. Peter, a junior in high school, decides he’s going to ask his friend Jack (who is on the basketball team and far more popular than Peter) for some tips on how to impress girls. Jack tells Peter to come over after school the next day, because he has a few ideas that Peter can practice on Jenna, Jack’s sister, who is in the grade below the two boys. Peter and Jenna haven’t interacted much, because Jenna is really shy, but she has had a crush on Peter for a while now.”
" Cut to flirting practice , Peter realizes that he and Jenna are pretty compatible , so he expect her out for tangible . They go on a few dates and are hold a great time as a couple . Peter realizes that junior promenade is go about , and he ask Jenna to go with him . She thirstily accepts .
The mean solar day arrives , and they go in a limo with Jack and some other ally . They ’re having a ton of playfulness dance when Jenna say Peter that her feet injure and that she ’s thirsty , and ask him to grab something to tope for her while she sits for a minute . Peter lead over to the bite table , and there is no lick agate line . "
