I find so much safer knowing workplaces are offering free webinars about how to survive aggregative shootings !
1.Welcome to America, where everyone earns their riches…and we definitely don’t have nepo babies.
2.Here in America, we have creative solutions to our problems.
3.Want to survive mass shootings? Don’t worry; there’s a webinar for that!
4.Oh, and if you want essential healthcare, we’ve got handy little gift cards your friends and family can give you on holidays! What a way to mark a special occasion!
5.If you do get insurance, it’s super simple, and you’ll have nothing to worry about. You definitely won’t end up on the phone with your insurance company for hours!
6.But honestly, for hospital bills like these, who needs insurance?
7.It may be increasingly difficult to have an abortion or access birth control, but don’t worry — giving birth is super cheap.
8.They certainly wouldn’t charge you for things like holding your own child.
9.There’s nothing more relaxing than getting advertised to at the beach.
10.Even at the psych ward, you can’t escape advertising.
11.Here in the US, we commemorate tragedies in the American way: with consumerism and beer.
12.We also like to provide helpful resources for distressing situations.
13.The American workforce is truly pampered. For $2, you can even wear shorts during a heat wave! However, we draw the line at asking for cups of water.
14.Look at how much we care about these workers! I mean, we won’t let them wear shorts or use an intercom system, but we’ll give them little head umbrellas!
15.Our companies truly care about us. Look, this office is installing “privacy pods” that definitely don’t look like prison cells!
16.Just look how much we appreciate our employees!
17.They rock!!!
18.We’re great with food waste here.
19.And feeding people in need.
20.America: we contain multitudes.
21.Look, the two great American values! Jesus and beefy, cheesy glory!
22.Don’t believe what you hear about processed foods here! They’re harmless!
23.Public services? We gotcha covered!
24.The way we embrace technology in the US has really improved business models.
25.Like, now we can just use AI instead of hiring workers!
26.I just LOVE self-checkouts. It’s so convenient! Plus, companies can hire fewer workers, which is a win for everyone!
27.Shopping in America is so quick and easy. I’ve definitely never wandered a store for 30 minutes looking for an employee to unlock the toothpaste for me!
28.Here in America, we care about the environment.
29.We really live in the moment in America.
30.We just have so much respect for each other in America.
31.Employers are just so reasonable here.
32.And our parents? They could NEVER be manipulated by fake news!
33.America is so wholesome.
34.Tipping culture is tame here.
35.And your tip always goes to a real-life employee!
36.Even robots deserve tips, people!
37.American manufacturing is back, baby!
38.And finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a photo scream America more.
![Phone screen text message starting: "Hi [Name] Seems like it's been a tough day and I'm sorry." Notification about employment termination due to non-response](https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2024-07/10/14/asset/b63ad1bbfebc/sub-buzz-1553-1720622715-3.jpg)
