When you suddenly realize you ’re attract to both Keira Knightley AND Orlando Bloom inPirates of the Caribbean …
1.InThe Parent Trap, when Meredith Blake looked up at the camera in that glorious black hat, which gave me heart palpitations, and then Nick Parker walked onto the screen and immediately had me questioning if I had unresolved daddy issues.
2.InPirates of the Caribbean, when both Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom made me wish I could be a pirate in search of some booty.
3.InThe Mummy, when Rachel Weisz and Brendan Fraser had the audacity to look like THIS in every single scene, and my heart skipped several beats.
LAKSJLDFLKDFJLKSDFDS, LIKE???????
4.InBoy Meets World, when Shawn and Angela made out on that iconic red couch, and I desperately wished I could have joined them. (Rider Strong’s lips just looked so soft, okay?!)
5.InJohn Tucker Must Die, when Sophia Bush taught Brittany Snow how to kiss in that one scene, but more importantly, when Jesse Metcalfe jumped into bed while wearing that lacy thong.
6.InThe Princess Diaries, when Mandy Moore and Erik von Detten played with that piece of gum, and I turned into a fantasizing Mia Thermopolis.
7.InFamily Matters, when Steve Urkel transformed into Stefan Urquelle, and I started to feel the same way about him as I did Laura Winslow.
8.InSmallville, when grown-adult Tom Welling played 14-year-old Clark Kent, and I drooled a little bit every time his shirt came off.
9.InThe Outsiders, when I had to watch this movie in school and had sooooo many inappropriate thoughts about the entire cast, so I’m shocked I wasn’t sent to the principal’s office (or directly to hell).
10.InMighty Morphin' Power Rangers, when Kimberly and Zack first came on screen, and I desperately wanted to see their Megazords.
11.InHocus Pocus, when Max thought about Allison’s yabbos, and so did I, but I also thought about Max thinking about Allison’s yabbos, and, wow, now we’re in a never-ending loop.
12.InBatman and Robin, when Chris O’Donnell’s bulging suit made me question everything, and I couldn’t figure out who I wanted to kiss more between him and Uma Thurman.
13.InSpy Kids, when Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino were so freaking horny for each other the entire time, and it brought new meaning to the words “mommy” and “daddy.”
14.InX2: X-Men United, when Shawn Ashmore blew on Hugh Jackman’s soda bottle to make it colder, and I immediately thought of something else he could blow too.
15.InBring It On, when Gabrielle Union cheered her way right into my heart forever, and all the male cheerleaders…well…let’s just say I wouldn’t mind spotting them.
16.InSaved by the Bell, when Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez danced to “Barbara Ann” in those colorful shorts, and I suddenly forgot all about Kelly Kapowski.
17.In13 Going on 30, when Jenna and Matty showed each other their Razzle-red tongues, and I immediately fell for them and their ridiculous onscreen chemistry.
18.In7th Heaven, when Jessica Biel said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke,” and the D.A.R.E. kid in me had never seen anything hotter…until Barry Watson and David Gallagher walked on the set.
19.InTwo of a Kind, when I was equally jealous of Mary-Kate for having Carey as a babysitter AND Taylor as a math tutor. Desperately needed them both, to be honest!
20.InCasper, when Casper came to life in the form of Devon Sawa, and I slowly realized that something else was coming to life inside of me, and it wasn’t just because of Christina Ricci.
21.InFull House, when I would have k*lled for Uncle Jesse to sing the “Teddy Bear” song to me in bed…and then I would have asked him to hop right in with me.
22.InLegally Blonde, when Elle talked about spending four amazing hours in the hot tub with Warner after Winter Formal, so ~I~ started thinking about spending four amazing hours in the hot tub with Warner.
23.InMotocrossed, when my apparently bi king Dean was 100% crushing on Andrea ~even though he thought she was a guy~, and I wanted to join both of them in that hot, sweaty lake.
24.InGeorge of the Jungle, when Leslie Mann covered up Brendan Fraser’s body with a book and a bowl, and I actually got a little jealous of two inanimate objects.
25.In the TV movie version ofCinderella, when Brandy and Paolo Montalban’s chemistry was SO electric that I wanted to ask a fairy godmother to make me their third.
26.InHome Improvement, literally any time Jonathan Taylor Thomas did anything.
27.InAlley Cats Strike, when Kyle Schmid, Robert Ri’Chard, and Kaley Cuoco made bowling the hottest sport ever, and 10-year-old me wanted to 7-10 split them in half.
28.InOne on One, when Robert Ri’chard had that blonde hair…and that shirt…and also no shirt…and those lips…and, wow, I need a minute.
29.InThe Sandlot, when I simultaneously thought about getting CPR from the hot lifeguard AND from Benny because, well, you know.
30.InTitanic, when Jack put that c*garette between his lips after saving Rose, and I suddenly wanted him to draw me like one of his French girls.
31.InStep by Step, when Andrew Keegan guest-starred as Christine Lakin’s boyfriend for two episodes, and I got butterflies in my stomach from both of them.
32.In bothXena: Warrior PrincessandYoung Hercules, when I simultaneously wanted to play-fight both Lucy Lawless and Ryan Gosling for, um, scientific purposes.
33.And finally, inThe Santa Clause, literally every single time Bernard appeared on the screen. Don’t judge me!!!!
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When you suddenly realize you’re attracted to both Keira Knightley AND Orlando Bloom inPirates of the Caribbean…
